It’s been a rough week. First I almost killed myself several times driving up to my folks’ place in the Bay from San Diego. I know what you’re thinking, but that’s only an eight-hour drive! Well, I was driving under the influence, the influence of being really fucking tired, you know the special kind of tired when you continuously dose off and have no idea how you woke up in Bakersfield.
But I digress, I am now watching TV a little more than I’m used to, given that I have no access to the internet where I will be staying for the next month. And it took about 15 minutes into my new hobby when this little gem popped up:
The entire commercial is very subliminal based, and Gwen appears in a swimsuit for the duration of the ad, dipping herself in techno colored swimming pools. It was all done rather tastefully, if it was meant to be a silent film. Through out every shot, Gwen whispers “I want you all over me” over and over again. I just love how in the comments section of the youtube video someone posted what every guy thought about Gwen’s new drenched persona:
I frapped real hard to this video playing on a loop. I have now edited the sound track and added 'to come' into the sentance and it works really great, yeah, yeah, yeaaaaahhhhh!
As a child growing up watching Hong Kongnese movies, the Shaolin Temple was ingrained in my head as the source of all of China’s awesome power. I’ve always thought that Chinese cinema was funded by the government in order to increase patriotism and dumb down people into believing that only the Chinese people could defy forces of gravity. But if you think about it Hollywood does the exact same thing, Die Hard movies make you believe that New York cops actually succeed at foiling Terrorist plots. But really, when it comes to Shaolin Monks us Chinese folks believe practically any and everything about them. Just go on the street and ask a random Chinese guy what he thinks about the Shaolin Monks, I’m sure you’ll get responses similar to the following:
You: Herro to you sir, pardon me but I was wondering if you could give me some information about the Shaolin Monks…
Chinese Guy: Ah yes…Confucius say Shaolin Monk only survivor of Nuclear Holocaust and Rape of Nanking.
P.S. -Shame on you if you don’t know about the Nanking reference.
However, after actually visiting the Shaolin Temple, failing to find the 36Chambers or the Shaolin Masta Killer, I quickly became disillusioned about the monks and their legends. The current Shaolin Temple is actually owned by the Communist government, and it felt like a really cheap circus completed with flipping acrobats and amazing feats of masochistic self-expression.
But you are not going to believe what I read on the news this morning:
“China's Shaolin Temple, the cradle of Chinese kung fu, is demanding an apology from an Internet user who said its monks had once been beaten in unarmed combat by a Japanese ninja, Chinese media reported on Friday.”
That’s right, the Shaolin Temple is actually DEMANDING an apology from an INTERNET user! And you’d think based on movie knowledge this user must’ve killed a Shaolin abbot with the Heart Splitting Palm technique or the Head Exploding Fist, but no00000000, he just posted on a forum and now the Monks are out to get him!
But you know what’s even funnier?
"The so-called defeat is purely fabricated, and we demand the Internet user to apologize to the whole nation for the wrongs he or she did," the Beijing News said, citing a notice announced by a lawyer for the Shaolin monks.
Apparently the Shaolin Temple has lawyers! I didn’t even know they had a law school at the Shaolin Temple, I mean, do you have to bend metal bars in order to pass the Shaolin BAR exam?? Like, do they send you to a secret chamber that’s barred off from the rest of the world, and you have to bend your way out?
But make no mistake, the Shaolin monks are suing over more than just political issues, I secretly believe that they just can’t stand ninjas and ninja lovers. I mean, everybody knows that ninjas just flip out ALL the time!!
For as long as I could remember, tattooing is a fad that was picked up by everyone and their little sister ever since highschool. It became “the” thing to do for self-expression overnight. One day I was the unpopular, nerdy Asian kid with the only neck tattoo on campus. And the next morning I was the unpopular, nerdy, Asian kid with the only inconcealable tattoo. Then came college, where I was instantaneously introduced to the newest fad, the infamous lower back tattoo that has become the norm of today. It is very hard for anyone to imagine that the hallmark, sorority “tramp stamps” were once a mark of “female empowerment” and were as rare as finding a pot of gold in an Irish hooker’s shoes [Jedi Mind Tricks holla!].
Now a days, lower back tattoos have become so common that I bet even your mom has one (Not that you ever really noticed until now). They come in many beautiful shapes and colors, from butterflies to butterfly inspired permanent butt floss. And just when I thought I had seen every permutations of the tramp stamp, this unfortunately caught my eye
I’m absolutely positive that you remember this commercial just because of how ridiculous not funny it is. The concept and image of a male lower back tattoo is so grotesque and revolting even Ann Coulter couldn’t make it up. I mean, who could ever fantasize about this? And even if it were some guy’s secret wet dream how would he even bring it up during a company meeting?
-T-Mobile Sales Meeting-
Sales Manager: Alright guys, we are looking for a humorous, different idea to strengthen our current Who’s in Your 5 campaign. Think out side the box, people!
Some Guy: I’ve got it, you know that attractive tattoo women have on the small of their back that screams, "look at my crack?!"
Sales Manager: Sounds Sexy…
Some Guy: It’s totally sexy, but let’s do that on a fat white guy!
::Awkward silence::
Sales Manager: You are fired.
Lower back tattoos just don’t look good on a man, period!You are probably saying to yourselves, but YerrowSteer, that was the humor of the commercial, no man is actually THAT dense. You would’ve been correct except for this response by silikonburnon the digg.com forum:
“I work in a tattoo studio (I'm a body piercer), and one of my clients came in for a tattoo one day. Now, it should be noted that this kid (I shouldn't say kid, really- he's 20 and legally accountable) prides himself on being a "tough guy"- but he's a upper-middle class suburban white kid trying to be a thug, at best. Anyway, tough guy comes in and shows the artist what he wants: The words "Hot Boy". In pastel blue block letters. On the small of his back. The artist did the tattoo, gave him aftercare instructions, collected her fee, and sent him out the door. Then we nearly pissed ourselves laughing.
That's gonna be GREAT for when he goes to jail (as he inevitably will).
True story. Oh, and it's worth mentioning that his girlfriend was with him the entire time, cheering him on.”
The jail comment was right on the mark, because this idiot’s fresh Hot Boy ink is like a big flashing neon sign saying “I am always getting love from the homies.”
